Hello....I am a Birthmother's Memory...

Until recently, I was buried deep in the dark recesses of her mind...along with other painful memories and sorrows.
Not that I hadn't seen the dawning light of recognition from time to time...I was just never a welcome visitor.

My owner has never banished me, and believe me....there have been times that she has tried....
Especially after she was faced with the reality of her empty womb and empty arms.

I don't mean to be cruel.
I am, by nature, simply a snapshot in time...the cruelty is a by-product of the moment the snapshot was taken.

I have been viewed with
Fear,
Shame,
Anger,
Frustration,
Grief,
Resignation and Hopelessness.

OH! Don't get me wrong!
There have been moments that I have been removed from my dark corner and been lovingly held.
I've been whispered to, worried over, wondered about, and bathed in the warmth of her tears that prayed God's protection over the missing part of her heart.
I have been caressed by a love that never dies.

I've had my controlling moments too!
I have always snuck into her dreams and jumped, unbidden into her thoughts:
I am the tear that wells in her eye
I am the smothered sob at what might have been
I am the round hole that no square peg will ever fit!

Recently though,
she called me out of hiding,
and carried me gently
and lay me, with all of my tangled emotions,
at the foot of a Blood stained tree.
With tears,
she surrendered me
into the arms of Jesus
who promised her that HE would bear her sorrows.

HE traced the path of her tears,
and gently laid HIS hand on her cheek,
promising that if she left the burden with HIM:

HE would mend her broken heart,
Renew her hope,
Restore her faith,
Reunite her with her child....in His Father's
Good and Perfect time.

There was only one thing that HE required of her....FORGIVENESS.

FORGIVENESS for the partner that abandoned her to dance by herself,

FORGIVENESS for the parents who considered their sensibilities more important than her need for her child.

FORGIVENESS for the cold, impersonal staff that fed her fears during the cruel delivery the was unprepared to make.

FORGIVENESS for those that pushed papers under her nose and placed a pen in her hand.

FORGIVENESS for those who feigned ignorance...forcing her to walk unaided into a future hobbled by the past.

She pondered HIS request.

Then shyly and embarrassed, she asked where she could go to find that kind of forgiveness...

It certainly wasn't in her, nor was it within her experience.

HE smiled and gently said:
Look at the Cross!!
2000 years ago,
I knew you were going to need a resource
for that which could not be found within.
I BECAME forgiveness....
I'll gladly share mine with you.

With bright gratitude
she lean into HIS arms and
received a Crown of Beauty
For the Ashes.... of her Bitterness.

Her tears still wash over me.
But....the tears are different now!
Though parts of me are still painful....
I am no longer banished.

I am a Badge of Courage!
I am a Symbol of Hope!
I am a Cherished Promise!




By...Wingdancer (c) 1997